


I swear I loved you (Till my dying day)

by Pennstram



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Consort Merlin (Merlin), Emotional ghosts still count, Ghost Merlin (Merlin), Hurt No Comfort, I really tried to make it a happy ending, M/M, Mad King Arthur Pendragon, More of a loose interpretation but whatever, Round 1, Song: my tears ricochet (Taylor Swift), but here we are, done for tavernfest on tumblr, ghosts and hauntings, loosely based on a Taylor swift song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26888800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pennstram/pseuds/Pennstram
Summary: If asked, the people of Albion would tell you in desolate murmurs that the mad King was born the night he set his own Magic on fire.If asked, Emrys would tell you it was the moment Merlin told him there was no place for magic in Camelot.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 89
Collections: Tavernfest Round 1: Ghosts and Hauntings





	I swear I loved you (Till my dying day)

**Author's Note:**

> I really did try to give this a happier ending but it kept taking away from the overall feeling. I'm not sure if I'm 100% happy with this but I'm tired of constantly coming back to it instead of working on Paper Dragons.

“Arthur, you can’t be serious.” The King’s grip tightened on the arm rests of his chair, his distant eyes narrowed and cold. His jaw tightened at Guinevere’s words. He didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t want to deal with this on top of everything else. “Arthur, please… he’s your friend. Your _husband._ Merlin--”

“Don’t you dare speak his name to me.”

His low growl made Gwen freeze, her bottom lip trembled. “He made his choice. Now get out of my sight.” After a long stretch of silence Arthur heard the door open then click shut. Arthur deflated and rubbed his temples with a long sigh. How had they come to this? How could he? How could he tell Arthur? How could he.

>   
>  The sun was just setting, casting the room in a warm glow of reds and golds when his life was shattered. Arthur was sitting at his table running the feather quill over his bottom lip absently when the door opened quietly. Without looking up Arthur rolled his eyes, “You’re late again, Merlin. What’s the excuse this time?” Merlin however, didn’t pick up the bait causing Arthur to frown and glance up.
> 
> His husband set the silver tray of food down on the table, gaze remaining trained on the floor. He said nothing. Setting the quill down Arthur sat up straighter as Merlin turned away. “What’s wrong with you today? You’ve been acting weird since we got up this morning.” He asked in irritation, Merlin seemed to stiffen slightly before he turned back around slowly.
> 
> “I need to tell you something, Arthur… Sire.”

“For treason against the very laws you were sworn to uphold established by the late King, Uther Pendragon, you have been found guilty of using magic and sorcery. There is but one judgement I can pass. Merlin Pendragon, at sundown tomorrow, you will be purged of your magic by fire.” His voice was devoid of all emotion as he stared down at the man at his feet. Empty eyes meeting desolate blue. The air around the throne room was still and cold.

No one knew what to do, what to say. The knights of the Round Table were frozen in their places behind Merlin’s subservient form. He could hear Gwen choke down a sob, a scuffle, a door slamming, but Arthur only had eyes for Merlin. Merlin. His friend. His closest advisor. Merlin, his husband. Merlin… a warlock. Merlin who lied to him for years. Merlin who looked back at him now with quiet resignation and yet still, so much love.

Merlin, who had tears streaming down his face. Merlin, who refused to back down. Merlin, who had yet to say anything. Merlin who damned himself.

Arthur screwed his eyes shut as he turned his head away and turned on his heel to leave through the side door. “Get him out of my sight.”

>   
>  Arthur raised his eyebrows in confusion as Merlin took a few steps forward, only to stop at the edge of the ornate rug and kneel. That itself was enough to startle Arthur, he’d never shown such submission before. Even as just a servant he’d stand proud and tall through it all, even more so after he’d been crowned King Consort. His head remained bowed and Arthur’s gaze was drawn instantly to where he was fiddling with his wedding band. A nervous habit he’d picked up on that Arthur noticed almost immediately. “Merls?”
> 
> “I love you, Arthur. You know I do. Please remember that.”
> 
> “Merlin, what are you--”
> 
> “I have magic. I use it for you, Arthur, only for you.”
> 
> Arthur’s blood ran cold at the words. His chair fell to the ground in his haste to stand and get away. Merlin remained motionless on the floor. “Get out.”
> 
> “Arthur I--”
> 
> “Get the fuck out!” Merlin scrambled backwards, eyes wide and fearful. The door slamming shut was almost quiet to the sound of a metal ring hitting the stone floor.

The cells were dark, and damp, and completely unfit for royalty. That thought left an ashy taste in Arthur’s mouth as he moved past the guards. A simple order that he wasn’t to be disturbed under any circumstance fell from numb lips. He knew they’d never disobey. He knew they all knew. Arthur’s footsteps echoed through the stone halls, reverberating out of each empty cell until he came to the very last.

He stopped short and clasped a hand around the cold metal. “Why?” Merlin looked up slowly from where he was slumped against the far wall. Red rimmed eyes flitting across Arthur’s face before settling on his naked ring finger. A pitiful, heartbroken whine slipped out as he clutched his own wedding band tighter to his chest. The movement only made Arthur’s mouth twist into a disgusted snarl. “What the fuck was your plan in all this? To undermine me? To get in my head and court by getting into my bed? Was this all a fucking game to you?”

“No!” Merlin cried in anguish as he tried to get to his feet. “No, Arthur I would never! I only ever used it to protect you! I could never hurt you. I could never--” Another pained whine, Arthur assumed it was from the heavy iron cuffs around his wrists. It couldn’t be actual emotion. No. Sorcerers didn’t have feelings. “Arthur, I love you--”

“You will address me as Sire, or I’ll cut out your godforsaken tongue.” The words came out before he registered what he was saying, but the effect was immediate. Merlin’s mouth snapped shut, fear clouding his eyes. “Then why tell me. Why now, Merlin. Why not before? Why not before I became king? Why not before we married?” He was seething now, a flash of anger bleeding through, “If you really loved me, why. Why did you not tell me before I fucked you?” The words cut deeper than any blade and Merlin flinched back as Arthur spat the last question at him.

Arthur could see Merlin’s hands shaking as he pressed his back against the cell wall. “I-I don’t… I couldn’t. I was scared and I couldn’t--”

“So you make a fool of me instead?” The flinch Merlin was unable to hide was enough for Arthur’s mouth to twist into an ugly grimace. His grip on the bars tightened as he felt the emotion thicken at the back of his throat. “Why, Merlin? Why couldn’t you trust me?” Tears were making tracks down the warlock’s face and Arthur had to look away. He’d always been weak to Merlin’s emotions.

“I wanted to… but your father--”

“My father is dead!” He spat back, eyes flashing dangerously, “My father had no control over my decisions! Unlike--” He cut himself off suddenly, jaw snapping shut. The ‘you’ remained unsaid but they both heard it in the silence. “All these years… you continued to tell me there was no place for magic in Camelot.”

Not a question, not even a thought that required a reply, but Arthur watched Merlin’s reaction anyway. The man seemed to shrink in on himself, heartbroken gaze staring at the heavy iron shackles. “I thought I could protect you.” An abrupt scoff and the King was pushing himself away from the bars.

“Protect me? Merlin… this,” He gestured aggressively between them, “This fucking kills me. I fucking loved you. You were my whole bloody world.” Merlin stepped finally to lean his forehead against the bars, his eyes were clenched shut and his breathing was heavy. Arthur saw the fuzzy edges of the panic attack settling over his features. His heart urged him to go, to comfort his husband, to stop it before it starts.

He stepped further away.

There was no stopping the sob that came from the cell. “You don’t have to kill me.” It was a broken whisper. Merlin opened his eyes just enough for the blue irises to shine in the dark. Begging. Pleading. “You don’t have to--”

“It’s as you said.” The change was instantaneous, Arthur, Merlin’s husband no longer stood before him. Arthur, King of Camelot remained in his place. “There can be no place for magic in Camelot.”

>   
>  “Your highness!” Leon jumped back as Merlin tore through the halls, tears streaming down his face, heart pounding in his throat. He could only shake his head as he passed. He couldn’t stop. Not here. Not now. He had to talk to Giaus. Had to talk to Gwen. Had to apologize.
> 
> The words choked out before he could stop them, “I’m sorry for everything, Leon.” He was gone in the next second, leaving the first knight to watch in confusion in the wake of the Consort’s distress.
> 
> Coming to the end of the hall he was met with Arthur’s blotchy red face. His expression stoney and cold, though the tears hadn’t yet dried on his cheeks. Before he could get the astonished ‘Sire?’ out his King spoke, voice devoid of all emotion. “Alert the guards to a traitor in the castle.” Leon’s face seemed to lose color as the pieces all fell together. Arthur’s empty gaze was trailing off after where Merlin had just disappeared.
> 
> “Sire?” It came out as a shaky whisper.
> 
> “Merlin Pendragon is to be found, and arrested.” The King didn’t seem to even see Leon anymore as he stared at the empty hall, eyes glassy. “He is to be tried for sorcery.” He turned around, shoulders hunching forward as he moved back toward his chambers. “He’s not to be harmed in any way before his trial.” He forced himself to say, shutting his eyes against the burning of new tears. “He’s still your King Consort.”
> 
> The metal ring seemed to brand his palm where he wrapped his fingers around it.

The view was one they’d all seen before. The pyre built in the center of the courtyard, thick wooden logs meant to burn as a long warning. The towns people were gathering slowly, curiously. Most were unaware of who would be burning that night. Arthur had no doubt most would attempt to stop it if they did. He stood on the balcony as he watched the final kindling be laid, then he turned and left. There was one last thing he had to do.

Merlin had his back pressed against the iron bars, head tilted back and eyes closed. His face was pale in the dying light as Arthur studied him. Sitting down next to him, Arthur pressed his own back against the bars and lifted one hand to slip through. His fingers ran along Merlin’s cheek and the warlock’s lip trembled. Slowly he tilted his head slightly and opened his eyes, they were bloodshot and red rimmed and yet still so blue.

Running his thumb along Merlin’s bottom lip Arthur sighed. He pulled his hand away before speaking. “I’m not going to denounce our marriage beforehand.” Arthur tipped his head back to look at the ceiling, already feeling the burning of tears that wouldn’t come. “You are, and forever will be, my husband. My Consort. My King. But the laws cannot be broken for any man.”

The nod Merlin gave was so subtle Arthur wasn’t sure it was really there at all. It didn’t matter. In less than an hour Merlin would be led out to the pyre. He’d die by the hands of the one he’d sworn to protect. He’d die as an example. “I swear I love you.” It was whispered in the growing dark.

“And I you.”

If asked, anyone in Camelot will tell you it was that night that changed it all. The cries of her citizens a sorrowful melody as they watched their sovereign burn. As they watched the steel creep over their King’s face and blacken his heart. Merlin for his part made no sound as his sentence was given. No noise as the flames were dropped and the wood set fire.

He looked at no one. No one but his husband’s icy grey gaze. He held his head high. He held all the love he could in that contact. I love you. I love you. I love you. It said. I forgive you. The sun caught on the metal glint of Arthur’s wedding band and Merlin finally let his eyes slip shut. It hurt. It burned, but of course it burned, but he had to be brave. For _him_ Merlin would be brave.

Merlin Pendragon died that night.

Emrys rose again in the Isle of the Blessed. He’d been told before that he was magic itself. He hadn’t known then what that meant exactly, but as he stood staring at his translucent hands he had a pretty good idea. For years he’d given himself to one man. For years he served only one man in a misguided attempt to fulfill a destiny turned into an obsession. It was time magic returned to the land itself.

The whispers began not a fortnight later. The trees spoke of burnings, the rivers of blood. The winds brought fears of a young tyrant King. Golden eyes shone with an understanding that broke his own heart.

They couldn’t see him. He wasn’t really there after all, he was a ghost of himself. An essence of his magic. Yet they still prayed for him, to him. They begged salvation. Emrys didn’t know how to help them. As he watched Gwen and Gwaine leave his grave, he could do nothing to soothe their hurt.

Tucking his knees up to his chest Emrys stared down at the small plaque. ‘Merlin Pendragon’ He was blessed with the name once. It had been the happiest moment of his life, the day he was given the Pendragon name. It brought back that same ache now as he stared down at the silver circlet embedded in the stone.

“You did this, Merlin.” The voice startled him into looking up. His mouth dropped as his eyes fell on the King. His eyes were vacant, his face scraggly and unkempt. Arthur looked terrible and he wanted to tell him as much but he knew it’d be useless. Arthur couldn’t see him, could only see the grave barely remembering who he once was. “You fucking did this.” The King fell to his knees in front of him and Emrys felt everything shatter around him again.

“Their deaths are on you this time, Merlin. You cannot blame me for what I had to do to erase you.” It was snarled out in such a way that Emrys knew Arthur was fighting himself. Reaching out he ran a hand through those dirty gold locks, phantom fingers trailing down his sunken cheek. Arthur pulled in a ragged breath and reached a hand into a pocket of his cloak. “I swore it then, I swear it now.”

The silver ring was set inside the circlet.

Emrys watched the descent from afar. Watched in silence and sadness and regret as Arthur became the one thing he said he never would. He watched in the wind as the King murdered thousands for the use of magic. He turned his back and cried storms as his husband became his father, as he turned into his own worst fear.

As the years passed he watched as Camelot fell, her destruction brought on by her own saviour. In her ashes rose an empire. An empire built on tears and blood and death.

If another silver ring appeared on the tomb, linked together forever, no one would ever mention it.

If asked, the people of Albion would tell you in desolate murmurs that the mad King was born the night he set his own Magic on fire.

If asked, Emrys would tell you it was the moment Merlin told him there was no place for magic in Camelot.

>   
>  “Do you, Arthur Pendragon, swear to cherish, love and protect this man for now until your dying day?” Merlin’s eyes were watering as he stared intently at Arthur, a small smile playing at the edges of his lips. He tightened his grip on Arthur’s hands just slightly causing the identical silver rings to clink together, a barely there squeeze unseen by those in attendance.
> 
> “I do so swear.” Arthur breathed, a smile breaking his own face. “Till death and forever after.” He added as the garland of ivy and red ribbon was tied around their wrists. With the vows done Merlin grinned and leaned forward to steal a kiss before he could be stopped. Bright cheers rose up around them as Arthur forced his husband to turn toward their court. Their Kingdom.
> 
> “I present to you, Arthur Pendragon and Merlin Pendragon, Kings of Camelot.”

**Author's Note:**

> Speaking of Paper Dragons: If anyone is following that I'm so sorry the update is late. I've been super depressed lately and as a result my Merlin muse keeps slipping and I'm not at that chapter yet so it's making it hard to do the happier stuff first. But I promise more is coming.


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